'Please don’t make me go to school': Supporting children and teens after school violence
In the aftermath of yet another school shooting, Oxford and surrounding communities have begun to move through the shaky, painful motions of grief and trauma. We read the headlines again and again, and that small voice inside us seems to scream, “But how could this happen HERE?”
Adults can hardly digest the reality of this tragedy, even with our many years of experience in processing difficult emotions and incomprehensible world events. For a child, understanding a school shooting — and their own emotions in response — may feel impossible. They may have endless questions, some of which have no answer, or they may have feelings so big that their bodies cannot hold them. This can be alarming for parents and caregivers, whose adult reactions might look very different or might be set off by their child’s emotions.
Below are trauma and grief responses in children and teens that parents and caregivers may see. While many of these reactions and behaviors are considered “normal,” there are always benefits to seeking additional support following a tragic event. This is especially true if a child’s behavioral and emotional changes persist for a long time, appear to worsen with time rather than improve, or begin to impede the child’s sleep or eating habits. If a child or teen expresses a desire to harm themselves or others, it is critical to seek professional support to help them with these feelings.
For mental health support, you can reach Oakland Family Services’ Day One program by calling (248) 858-7766 or by filling out the form at this link. Crisis support is also available through the Common Ground 24-Hour Crisis Line at (800) 231-1127 or the Michigan Crisis and Access Line (MiCAL) at (844) 446-4225 (call or text).
Trauma and Grief Responses in Children and Teens
While young children may not understand the extent or severity of a tragic event, they are likely to sense that something “big” has happened based on the reactions of people around them. They may express concern for the emotions of others or reflect the emotional responses they see without understanding why.
Young children may also have many, many questions, and they will likely ask them again and again. It can be exhausting for parents to repeat the same difficult answers, but it’s important to remember that this repetition is how children learn and understand. Although it can be challenging, the most helpful response is to patiently provide the same answer each time. Keep your answers “child-sized,” sharing the truth but perhaps not every intricate detail; for example, if asked about the Oxford shooting by a young child, you could explain that a person harmed other people using a gun, but it may not be helpful to include a detailed step-by-step description of the incident. Follow the child’s lead to see how much information they need to begin to understand, and offer them the opportunity to ask any questions they have. The National Association of School Psychologists has great suggestions for tackling these conversations.
Like young children, older children and teens could have many questions, but they might also be exposed to misinformation through peers or other sources that complicate their understanding. They may ask questions that seem unnecessarily detailed or fixated on specific parts of the event. Parents and caregivers should remind older children of the adults they can rely on for accurate information — specific family members, teachers, counselors — and should support the child in making sense of all they have seen and heard.
Older children and teens may be more adept at emotional regulation than young children, but the emotions of grief and trauma are often too large for them to handle alone. Parents may see older children and adolescents lashing out, “exploding” or “melting down” with emotion, or reacting to small incidents with an unexpected and disproportionate amount of emotion. Providing safe outlets for these emotions — art, music, journaling, exercise, etc. — can help children express them. It is also not abnormal to see kids and teens develop a large amount of anxiety and fear following school violence, especially fear of going to school. They may plead to stay home or ask what would happen if there was a shooting at their school. It is helpful to reassure them that there are adults working to keep them safe and preventative measures in place to protect them.
Typical trauma and grief responses in children and teens can include:
Big emotions that may or may not seem appropriate to context
“Clingy” behavior or needing frequent reassurance
Concern for others who are traumatized or grieving
Fear of violence happening to them or to someone they love
Fear of leaving the family or attending school
Asking many questions and/or repeating questions
Inability to concentrate or lack of interest in things they once enjoyed
Fixation on violence or death; wanting to know the how and why of deaths that occurred
Nightmares, insomnia or other sleep disruptions
Physical symptoms, such as nausea, loss of appetite, headaches or stomachaches
Regressive behavior, e.g., behaving as a younger version of themselves (in young children, examples can include picky eating, tantrums, or accidents; in teens, revisiting childish behavior or activities)
Other responses can also be considered “normal” in trauma and grief, but even “normal” responses to a tragic event can benefit from professional support.
Parents and caregivers can:
Allow their child the opportunity to ask questions and provide truthful, age-appropriate answers
Limit their child’s time spent watching the news or reading about the event online, taking frequent breaks from exposure
Offer safe, healthy coping skills for their child’s emotions
Remind their child of the adults in their life who work to keep them safe, both at school and in the community
Keep home a safe space with consistent routines and expectations
Help their child seek reliable sources of information about the event and sift through information received from peers
Prioritize sleep, healthy eating and other physical care for their child
Care for themselves both physically and emotionally
Seek community supports and/or professional services for their child or themselves
It may be impossible to comprehend how such tragedy could occur in our own community, but we do not have to grieve alone. Together we can support one another and our children as we begin to heal.
Additional resources on this topic can be found in this Oakland Family Services blog post.
Krista Kirkpatrick, MA, LPC, NCC, is a mental health counselor licensed in the state of Michigan with specialization in child/adolescent counseling. Krista has worked with children and teens in a variety of settings for many years — including specific work in childhood grief and trauma, disaster mental health and youth suicide prevention — and is currently the director of impact and evaluation at Oakland Family Services.
